Donna Chase,
Director of Spiritual Formation
Growing up in a small town in NC, my parents had very good friends in our church that we often traveled with to N.C. State football and basketball games as well as the occasional out of state bowl games.
On these trips we would frequently stop at restaurants and stores between home and Raleigh. Over the years my parents and especially their friends helped to teach me what it meant to connect with others, especially ones you didn’t know, and make them feel that they were valued and seen.
We spent time at every stop, talking with waitresses, store owners, fellow travelers, sports fans, etc. Now as a shy teenager this often felt dreadful and sometimes embarrassing and yet looking back those many conversations showed me how to ask questions that help to get to know others and most importantly take an interest in their lives. My dad would pull out a notebook that he kept in his Wolfpack jacket pocket and scribble notes about the folks we met and if we returned, he would remember specific details from a previous visit and ask about children, graduation, those he was praying for who may have been sick and the list goes on and on.
This example of taking a real interest in someone’s life is something that I’ve learned over the years doesn’t come naturally to many people. All of us have probably been in conversations where the entire exchange is one-sided. We leave after a time together and think, I sure learned a lot about this person but don’t think they asked a single question to get to know me or take an interest in my life and of course we are all guilty of doing the same.
Some would say we haven’t been taught how to connect with others on anything more than a superficial level, there are more introverts than extroverts in society, or our busy, mostly technology driven lifestyle doesn’t allow time for folks to get to really know one another in hopes of sharing their lives.
I’m sure that there is truth in all of these explanations and yet we live in a world that craves connection and many would say we are experiencing one of the greatest loneliness epidemics of our lifetime. Some would say that the pandemic has magnified this epidemic and others would say that it has taught us much about how to connect.
For quite some time now we have talked in the church about a seismic shift from programs to relationships. We have always known that this is ultimately how faith is formed and yet especially in large churches the need for constant programming and what some call “edutainment” has often won out in hopes of attracting and keeping members and competing with the church down the street.
When asked why a visitor doesn’t return to the church research shows that they often don’t feel a sense of connection or ultimately friendship with other members. Though a church may say and actually be welcoming, this often doesn’t translate to deeper, more intimate relationships where members are sharing their faith and lives and growing closer to God and one another.
Even before the pandemic, loneliness has been an issue in America. Barna data on relationships as well as research among younger generations both in the U.S. and globally have highlighted how people feel isolated and disconnected.
In her book The Loneliness Epidemic, Susan Mettes says that three in 10 Americans report feeling lonely at least once each day. She defines loneliness as the distress someone feels when their social connections don’t meet their need for emotional intimacy. She continues, “It’s lack. It’s disappointment. It’s something we are conscious of, even when we don’t call it loneliness. Loneliness is a thirst that drives us to seek companionship — or, perhaps better, fellowship. Without fellowship, we go on needing others and seeking relief for that need.”
There is a real danger of letting positive psychology hijack the church’s real purpose,” says Mettes. “It is because of what the Christian faith teaches that Christians do so many things that are good for loneliness (i.e. group singing, community service, meeting in person). But confronting loneliness isn’t an ultimate goal. In the taxonomy of church priorities, it is a subcategory of loving your neighbor.”
Mettes concludes, “If we aim only to reduce loneliness, we will miss. Instead, we should consider an investment of attention, naming and talking about loneliness as we aim at godliness, neighbor love, hospitality and peace.”
Sometimes we think loneliness and making friends is just an adolescent or young adult challenge and yet research is showing that large numbers of both children and older adults experience serious bouts of loneliness which often translate into challenges making friends. Though we would all agree that the primary reason we come to church is not to make friends we know that friends help us to more fully engage in community and therefore we want to be involved and are more willing to risk being vulnerable enough to share our faith and lives. As we grow to know and trust others, we also begin to see others even those we disagree with as our brothers and sisters in Christ. We are reminded that Jesus teaches us that love dominates our relationships, not our agreements or disagreements.
Recently in her children’s e-news Lisa Witherspoon shared a great article for parents on how to help children make friends in church. The author suggests the idea of parents leading by example and becoming involved in a small group where you can both study and learn with other Christians and spend time in prayer and fellowship which builds trust and opens us up to growing deeper with God and one another. I hope if you have not tried out a small group at FPC that you will prayerfully consider committing to this practice during Lent in hopes of building a deeper relationship with Christ and others.
Near the end of the first session of a PC(USA) Youth Workers event last week, youth ministers spoke about how the pandemic has affected them, and how young people have lost nearly three years of faith formation. While they have had pressure like no other generation, going through the pandemic in their formative years is not all bad.
They reflected on the many opportunities for parents to engage at home in the faith formation of their teens and how, through these pandemic losses young people are developing grit. They’re digging deep into their friendships. They’re learning how to be at home without going crazy. They are learning how important relationships are to make sense of the world and feel a sense of connection to God and one another. They see the value of their small groups and relationships built at church which have sustained them through an otherwise dry spiritual time. They have used periods of darkness and mental health concerns to reach out and get help for the journey. In 10 years, this experience of loss will make our teens more powerful, faithful and courageous faith leaders they concluded.
As a faith community interested in growing relationships versus programs, we can display authentic hospitality on a consistent basis, we can invest time getting to know people regardless of whether they are old, young, single or married, we can explicitly promote deep friendships outside of marriage and family, we can actively listen when people are ready to share their lives in hopes of providing space for authentic relationships to be built with God and one another.
